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Holidays with the In-Laws
Holidays with the In-Laws
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2009

Holidays are coming at us like a freaking freight train. I like to look back on my past events to make me feel better about whatever might happen this year . . .

It was the first Thanksgiving that Scout and I spent together. This was the visit where I was beginning to realize that his parents were not, uh, normal. They had driven from Minnesota to Texas in a rickety motor coach with the idea that the trip would make their even more rickety marriage better. (Lesson: cross country trips in poorly running vehicles do not strengthen marriages on the road to the courthouse.)

We sat around the table finishing dinner, I had just sunk my teeth into a cookie when his mother said:

"We were halfway through Iowa when we realized we left the vibrator at home!"

Now, I like a sitcom actress sat with my teeth settled in that cookie, fearing to move at all.

Turns out what she meant was that they had some sort of back rub apparatus that plugged into the wall and vibrated. But Dear God! the visual!

 

What are your crazy in-law stories from the holidays?



Dawn Schnee is a brutally honest mommy blogger with a penchant for cute shoes and insomnia. A life long make-up fanatic, Dawn also counts knitting, sex toy reviews and driving over the speed limit as favorite hobbies. Dawn can be found quietly running the show while her partners loudly lead the crowd at Room 704 (http://room704.us)

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Post Baby Weight Bathing Suit Dramas - Dawn Schnee
Post Baby Weight Bathing Suit Dramas - Dawn Schnee
SATURDAY, AUGUST 01, 2009

I found a way cute, non black swimsuit and ordered it immediately.

What happened next… well… I’ll let you read:

Dear Self,

When you are 37 weeks pregnant, and you receive clothes you ordered for post pregnancy, it’s okay to try on the nursing bra, it’s okay to try on the shirts - especially when you find the shirts are actually stretchy enough to wear right freaking now, which is a beautiful thing since you are so sick of all of your clothes.

However, DO NOT get cocky and TRY to try on the one piece swimsuit, purchased to cover the stretch marks. You are NOT smart enough these days to put together the fact that when the swimsuit will NOT go up over your thighs that this is a SIGN that you clearly HAVE put on the recommended 30 pounds of baby weight and NOT a sign of a defective swimsuit. Do NOT then go and put on another swim suit - b/c even when it goes over your thighs it will barely stretch over your stomach - leaving your nipples slightly exposed. You need to go and thank God that you didn’t fall on your butt while you were tangled up in the swimsuit in the first place.

Love,

Me

Dawn Schnee is a brutally honest mommy blogger with a penchant for cute shoes and insomnia. A life long make-up fanatic, Dawn also counts knitting, sex toy reviews and driving over the speed limit as favorite hobbies. Dawn can be found quietly running the show while her partners loudly lead the crowd at Room 704 (http://room704.us)

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RECENT COMMENT "lol i love the little bio at the end of the paragraph...her hobbies are knitting sex toy reviews and..."


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Letter to My Body - by Dawn Schnee
Letter to My Body - by Dawn Schnee
SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2009

I once looked at the curve of your thigh and remarked to my mother, “I think I’m going to have your thighs.” She shot back, “You keep eating cookies the way you do and you’ll have YOUR thighs.”

I felt awkward in you. Frustrated tears when you couldn’t jump rope in gym. Embarrassed when you wouldn’t work fast enough or coordinated enough to keep from getting picked last for the team.

Swimsuit torture. Granny breasts on a teenage form. I was ashamed of the angry red stretch marks on your upper thighs.

But, you were strong enough to grow and deliver the baby they all said you’d never make. You delivered him and quickly healed. I was so familiar with you by this point, that it was strange to me to not be able to identify all your parts. Nothing was where I had left it.

Pregnancy left more marks on you, forever banning you from being a swimsuit model. With this final scarring across your stomach, and more stretch in the breasts, I forgave your imperfections and quirks.

In the middle of the night, very unceremoniously, our last war ended with a whimper. I was tired as I walked down the hall, and the familiar script began to whisper, “Fatty …”

The words had no sting. They lost their power somewhere along the way.

You’ve done good work. You’ve carried me well these years. Let me take care of you. Let me try to build your strength and health. Rather than trying to make you be something you are not, let me finally see you are a good body, you are my good body.

Dawn Schnee is a brutally honest mommy blogger with a penchant for cute shoes and insomnia. A life long make-up fanatic, Dawn also counts knitting, sex toy reviews and driving over the speed limit as favorite hobbies. Dawn can be found quietly running the show while her partners loudly lead the crowd at Room 704 (http://room704.us)

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RECENT COMMENT "This is absolutely touching and inspiring. I live in a flat chested short body, and I know how hard ..."


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Laugh and the World Laughs With You - Dawn Schnee
Laugh and the World Laughs With You - Dawn Schnee
SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2009

When Alex was three weeks old I was longing for, nay, dying for, a schedule of some kind. A bright (early) Monday morning I woke with the determination to find something that resembled a routine.
Alex was napping someplace that was NOT in my arms or on my chest, so I went downstairs, took out smoothie ingredients from the fridge - yogurt, milk, strawberries - and from the cabinet - whey powder, flax seed, peanut butter, oatmeal.
I made a yummy, delicious smoothie, I poured coffee, I made waffles (in the toaster), I poured orange juice. Complete breakfast bliss. I put everything away, went upstairs, Alex was awake, we talked about food and how it smelled, then we took a walk and watched some Sesame Street (with “Donald Grump” and “Omagrossa” and Elmo stole DG’s wig and DG said that was no problem, he had more, and whipped out a new one, so both DG and Elmo were wearing DG wigs.) This lovely morning gave me hope that Alex and I could enjoy more mornings like this, but of course, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings quickly became clustersmacks of real life instead of a cereal commercial. Thursday morning I woke and walked downstairs to make my smoothie. I took out smoothie ingredients from the fridge - milk, strawberries - and from the cabinet - whey powder, flax seed, yogurt, peanut butter, oatm…… whoa….. yogurt doesn’t belong in the cabinet. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!  
Dawn Schnee is a brutally honest mommy blogger with a penchant for cute shoes and insomnia. A life long make-up fanatic, Dawn also counts knitting, sex toy reviews and driving over the speed limit as favorite hobbies. Dawn can be found quietly running the show while her partners loudly lead the crowd at Room 704 (http://room704.us)
 

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RECENT COMMENT "ew!..."


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